Holy Space

Today Chad survived yet ANOTHER round of cuts at Duke.  He is now 1 of 2 people left from the original Duke Creative Services branch that he started working for 9 years ago.  This past year has truly been one for the books...or at least the blogs...or something like that.  Let's just say the last time I agreed to see a therapist was in college...now I freely admit I need one, how's that?!?

2.5 years ago I was in a car accident that still has not been resolved financially- and seems to have no end...helloooooooo credit card hopping.... how fun is that?!?

1 year ago I was rear ended by a 19 year old who slammed into me after skidding 60ft. with non-anti-lock breaks, ridding up under my car and throwing me into someone else.

In that time, I've taught in three schools, 4 grade levels, with no curriculum and a major overhaul from state standards to common core.

My mom got breast cancer.

My builder shorted us on several ends, but the worst was the plumber, who cost 100K in damages between a burst pipe in the kitchen, a pipe that rusted shut under the house that had to be replaced, a pipe not tightened in the wall of our son's bedroom causing a leak in our bedroom ceiling, putting a bladder in that was 1/4 of the size we needed that had to be replaced and nearly burning out the well pump...and then there was the roof that was never finished (how did we pass inspection)... that also started leaking.  So we lived in a hotel for 65 days...yeah...that happened...did I mentioned the kids were taking violin lessons then...that was fun....and there was the day they over fried the pizza in the microwave and shut down the hotel....and then the hotel overcharged us...and and and and and and and .....

I have chronic nerve pain in my neck, back, shoulder, permanent sun poisoning and UV light reactions that will never allow me to go in the sun again.

I have migraines that have been so bad there have been multiple days and nights with no sleep...and months with over 20  migraines.

Ashlyn had surgery, I had surgery.

Caed and Ashlyn both had to be seen at Duke behavioral.

Ashlyn was identified specific LD in reading and writing.

And the list goes on....

What's my point, because this is all insane... Tonight when I was telling Ashlyn to be sure to thank God for saving daddy's job once again, she said, "Oh I will... I'll be sure to pull my covers over my head and go to the "holy space" and thank Him so much."  I love that child.  As time goes on she has had more dreams and visions, about heaven, and Jesus.  About us going to meet him, about how much He loves us, and how he is waiting for us...and isn't that just the point?  My life hasn't be "easy" for the last while.  It's been racked with pain- more than ever.  But I wouldn't take it back.  It's given me perspective.  It's made me love deeper, care more.  It's brought out patience I didn't know I had and it's created mercy that I know I didn't have. Life is precious...we don't know how much we have here...so remember to smile, do what you can to brighten the lives of others, let go of offense...there's no time for it. I look forward to pulling up my covers tonight and going to my "holy space." I hope you go there too.

How About Some Support?

Braden has really started to grow up.  Yeah, I know that is a little like Captain Obvious saying (in a super-hero voice)  "Today (dramatic pause)  is... SUNDAY."  As if the rest of the world doesn't know what day of the week it is.  Watching your kids grow up is well, weird.  You want to savor every moment- and somehow you feel like it's more survival than savoring...kinda like eating mac n' cheese, but you can't taste the cheese cause you're so caught up in putting out fires, you actually forgot to put the cheese in the pot...or something like that.  But back to Braden- about his growing up... well, there are tell tale things, like not having to ask him as many times to do his school work, less groaning about helping out, watching him hurry up to the top of a 6 story water slide with no hesitation, witnessing him lead a camp cabin of boys in a solo rendition of "Pharaoh, Pharaoh," guarding him silently as he traipsed through the creek, or finding out that he peed on Red Eye's Grave  (a whole different story).  But, the thing I find most entertaining is his attempt at correct language as explores the usage of words.   I was fully entertained a few weeks back, as we headed back from Atlantic Beach, and Braden "tested out" his knowledge.
       It had been a long day- we had driven 3 hours to the beach- jumped in the waves, collected shells, gone to the pool and the water slide (not that six story one...).  Now we were exhausted and on our 3 hour drive home.  Everyone was silent when suddenly, Braden started to complain about his neck.  Evidently we should have reapplied sunblock, because he was feeling it.  With strong emotion and a good dose of irritation, Braden announced:  "We HAVE to go to the store- I NEED something to support my sunburn!"  Well, I, being such a good mommie burst out laughing, because of course I was already picturing  some logs to hold that sunburn up (cause that would help...right?!?)  He was not impressed...and I of course knew what he meant.  After calming him down, and reassuring him aloe would help, I realized that his word usage wasn't too far off, and that my boy was in fact, growing up.

Bathroom Toons

I don't know what it is about the bathroom... especially when children are spending some time in there (if you know what I mean)  but evidently it brings out all sorts of musical productions some time ago, I had posted this as part of another blog... the songs change, but the music keeps comin'!

I'll keep my self smiling as I listen to Braden try to sing Boom-Chicka-Boom in the bathroom. He has the lyrics all switched around so it goes something like rocka-chicka-booma-chicka, boom chick-a-boom. (All thanks to Dr. Jean popping up randomly on my i-pod this morning... glad to know it made a lasting impression!) Maybe I could use the tune to work in some subliminal messages... you know like "one more time... love my sister...be kind to my brother... " he he he

Tell Me Your Yell

So I was laid out in "the fort" today after a week of mulching, mowing, planting, powerwashing, refinishing the deck and making improvements to the zipline, when my sweet three year old climbed up the 8 foot ladder and stood towering above my head. He looked down at me with a quirky smile and said. "Tell me your yell."
Through my fog of complete exhaustion and fatigued muscles I tried to decide what that meant. Finally I asked him... "Caed, what do you mean by "my yell"?"
Caed braced himself against the fort rails, raised his sweet little chin toward the robin-egg-blue sky and screamed, "GET IN YOUR ROOOOOOOOOOMS!" (Which is what I had told all three of my darlings earlier in the day when they were body slamming each other on the screened porch and broke a doorstop while I was staining the deck and talking long distance on the phone...)
At any rate, I laughed and said, "Why do you want to hear my yell"... and with his impish little grin, with eyes sparkling he said, "Because it's funny, Mommy." With that, he hopped over my limp body and bopped down the slide.
When I summoned enough energy to peel myself off the fort floor to head for the house, I passed by my little boy and leaned down into his ear and whispered, "Tell me your yell." He proceeded to stand on the brick retaining wall and scream, "I HATE THIS PLACE!" giggling the whole time.
That child always knows how to make his momma smile!

Lullaby for a Rabbit

"Rock-a-bye bunny... rock-a-bye bunny...rock-a-bye bunny"...
"Caed...whatcha doing?" I asked...
"I'm singing the bunny to sleep, because he's so tired. My singing made him tired."

But I LOVE the Tree...

When I was in the third grade I remember asking my father how many days til Christmas . We were sitting at a stop light in Newton, NC next to the Bojangles and he replied, "21 days." OH 21 days- might as well have been a year! He spoke to me reassuringly," but 21 days will go by very fast!" I love Christmas time. It has always been a really big deal at our house, ramped up by the weekly advent services, count down calendars, devotions and practices for the Christmas program when I was a child. There were several Christmas traditions I enjoyed, but the one that topped all the rest was decorating the tree. My mother had these painted wooden ornaments that we hung every year, and there was this silly blue dog made from spun polyester over a foam ball, decorated with pom-poms and googlie eyes- he was my favorite. My great grandmother delighted me with her homemade goose egg ornaments. Each year she would send a new enchanted batch for us, lined with velvet and decorated with all sorts of embellishments from crystal beads to small plastic figurines. They were amazing, and no one else had such a thing on their tree. There was a space to insert a yearly picture into these ornaments which personalized them, and gave us ownership over our tree decorations. My parents always accomodated our wishes to have colored lights on the tree, and I would sit at night and cup each of the colored lights with my hands and lean in so that the colors splashed across my hands and face. I let my pupils relax and the light would scatter like the filter on a fancy camera. Oh how I still love to sit in a dark room with a lit Christmas tree and this year was no different!

I convinced Chad to go to the Raleigh Farmer's Market this year to pick out the perfect tree. He really didn't want to drive so far and was a bit concerned that the tree might fall off the car. But I had a glimpse of the market on TV and it looked like the perfect place to find a tree, so he relented. We went to Mimi's after church for a scrumpteous lunch and headed off to the tree destination. As we neared the market floods of cars passed us, all with deep green trees tied on top. Excitement began to build in the van, and by the time we found a parking spot the kids burst out of the doors and ran into the closest "stand of trees." They were all so lush and full and tall. Braden immediately sought out the largest one of the group- "this is IT Dad!" We had just started though, and there were vendor after vendor trying to convince us of their trees' worth. "Here's a candycane for your children," "Hold on, you have to smell this one...isn't it just fantastic?" "What do you think of this one here?" "Oh you like that one, I'll give you a deal!" We meandered through rows and rows of evergreens, loosing the children from time to time. There were so many trees it felt as though we were playing marco polo at times to find one another. Then, on the fringe there were the "ginormous" trees. A slow grin slipped across Chad's face, and I knew he had found the tree. "Yep, that one there is 13 feet tall, been growin' her for about 18 years," and suddenly the deal was underway. Soon we had a beautiful tree loaded on the van, and off we went home. She was truely majestic, and we had her decorated by evening. There she stood in our living room covered in 1500 lights, sparkling ornaments, and flowing red and gold ribbon. We all loved her. With the addition of lit garland around the stair rails and fireplace, it felt magical in our living room, like we had recreated a small piece of the Biltmore right here in Granville County.

So on Monday, just the fourth day of Christmas, I was very sad to take my beautiful tree down. Don't get me wrong, it was time. She had rained needles all over the floor and was starting to dull in color. The children helped me remove the decorations, and as they came off we all became more meloncholy. I mumbled something about missing the tree and suddenly Ashlyn threw her arms around the side of the tree and announced she needed to give it a hug. She began to desperately gather up the needles on the floor... "I have to get a bag...to save these...I will miss the tree so much!" Caedmon, who is just three, looked up at me and said, "The tree will look beautiful outside, mommy." (He thought we were going to plant it...I wish!) Then I had to explain to him that it was cut, and dying... How completely depressing! Oh... but then I reminded them of our family tradition of cutting off the branches and saving the tree trunk, and of our annual bonfire, and that seemed to perk everyone up a bit. That night, we brought in a tarp and clipped all of the branches and removed the debris from the living room. One day, I intend to create some type of family heirlooms from all of those beloved tree trunks. Braden looked around and said, "why does everything look so normal, Mom?" "Because Christmas is over, for this year, honey." And like my dad said, don't worry the time will go really fast!

Fire-Camp Hostess

I love campfires-  the smell of campfire takes me back to some of my earliest memories.  My Dad was always building fires- in winter to keep warm and in summer for the best delight of camping. There were marshmallow roasts and wood hunts, and Mom teaching us how to magically spin water in buckets.  Camp fires bring back a million memories of the camps I went to and the camps I worked at. Melodies of "Puff the Magic Dragon," and "One Tin Soldier," still haunt my memory when I smell the smoke that hangs heavy around a damp fire pit. It's easy float back 15 years when the sun sets and the firelight dances on the faces around the fire to the days when I would scan over 200 faces hoping for a glimpse of who would later become my husband, hanging out with his group of campers for the night.  There are visions of the "Sin-Box" skit with Kris Sipe whining about his lack of macaroni and sore fingers as I tried to play along with, "Jesus Loves Me- Alleluia" and the "Rock."  Campfires have always been one of the highlights of my life, and one of my favorite fall traditions with my own kids.

      This Thanksgiving was no exception.  I bribed all three of my children into watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with peppermint candy canes and Jr. Mints (sad, I know!) I spent the afternoon making blueberry pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes from scratch and roasting a turkey breast.  My oldest trudged down the stairs and moaned, "Do we have to eat all this yuck?"  My children are full of gratefulness (In Jesus' Name!)  "Yes, you GET to eat all of this yuck!"  I tried to cheerfully answer.  Braden wasn't impressed, and looked at the floor.  "I'm bored," he declared. Thinking quickly, I promised a Thanksgiving campfire.   "OOOOOOhhhh, can we have chips- you know the blue chips and salsa?"  "Absolutely,"  I answered thinking..."why did I bother cooking at all?"  After a tasty dinner (at least Chad and I agreed on this point) we headed off to the backyard to start gathering wood. 

      Ashlyn has renamed our campfire tradition to "fire-camp."  Despite being corrected several times, she adamantly insists on calling it a "fire-camp,"  so we just go along with it.  The kids loaded up the pit, adding special pieces of rotten bark, damp wood and leaves- ahhh perfect fire starting material.  It was a Thanksgiving miracle that we even got it started!   Ashlyn  remembered her bag of "porcupines"  (AKA pine cones)  and added them to the special fire mix.  Suddenly, she announced she needed a drink.  After a while Chad looked at me and inquired, "How  big of  a drink was that girl getting."  As if on cue, Ashlyn appeared at the crest of the back yard carrying a hostess tray with drinks for everyone!  They were specialized too- lime bubbly water for me, Coke for Chad and water in water bottles for the boys (Caed's favorite way to drink water.)  Chad and I looked at each other and teared up- our five year old was serving us- thinking of us, and her brothers... now that's something to be thankful for!  

     Here's to more fire-camps in the future-cheers!